Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence

Codependents Anonymous

Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to people who are exploring and understanding what codependency is and looks like. It may aid those who have been in recovery for a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns

Codependents often:

• have difficulty identifying what they are feeling

• minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel

• perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others

• Lack of empathy for the feelings and needs of others

• label others with their negative traits

• think they can take care of themselves without any help from others

• mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation

• express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways

• do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted

Low Self-esteem Patterns

Codependents often:

• have difficulty making decisions

• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough

• are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts

• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own

• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons

• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than

• have difficulty admitting a mistake

• need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good

• are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want

• perceive themselves as superior to others

• look to others to provide their sense of safety

• have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects

• have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries

Compliance Patterns

Codependents often:

• remain extremely loyal in harmful situations for too long

• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger

• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want

• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings

• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others

• accept sexual attention when they want love

• make decisions without regard to the consequences

• give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change

Control Patterns

Codependents often:

• believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves

• attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel

• Freely offer advice and direction without being asked

• become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice

• lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence

• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance

• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others

• demand that their needs be met by others

• use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate

• use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally

• refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate

• adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes

• use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others

• pretend to agree with others to get what they want

Avoidance Patterns

Codependents often:

• act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them

• judge harshly what others think, say, or do

• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance

• allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships

• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation

• diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery

• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable

• pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away

• refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves

• believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness

• withhold expressions of appreciation

Used from www.CoDA.org | Copyright © 2011 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved.